TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

  My friend, Ed Peterson, over in Walla Walla, Washington received a check for $1,000 a month from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
  What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
  As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
  My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
  If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
  Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
  Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
  In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
  Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
Willy Peters

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

Really Corny Jokes

• A father takes his four-year-old son, Freddie, to a burger joint for dinner. Freddie asks his dad, "What are these little things on the hamburger bun?" Dad tells me they are seeds and they are okay to eat. Pondering this for a while Freddie finally asks, "If we plant these seeds in our backyard will we have enough hamburgers to last forever?"

• The politician tells a woman, "You look beautiful tonight." She answers, "Thanks, but I couldn't say the same about you." He says, "Sure you could, if you could lie as well as I do."

• A third grade class in a Beverly Hills school was assigned to write a story about poor people. One little girl wrote: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor, the mother was poor and the children were poor. The butler was poor, the maid was poor and the cook was poor. The gardener and the chauffer were also poor. Everybody was poor."

• A little elderly lady called the local fire department and said, "My house is on fire!" The dispatcher answered, "Yes, ma'am. How do we get there?" The lady replied, "Oh, my, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

For Golfers

• Golfer: "You've got to be the worst golfer in the world." Caddie: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

• Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction. " Caddie: It's not a watch, it's a compass."

• The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the golf pro. He answered, "Putt is correct. Put means to place something where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

"Pity the poor kids who grow up in a big city. They miss the little things that made growing up in a small town, ah, so wonderful."
~Tom Morrow